How to Talk About What You Like (and Don’t) in Sex, Part 1
While many people are having sex, I can’t help but wonder how many are having good sex. The kind that makes your toes curl or makes you scream with pleasure and leaves you blissfully relaxed when all is said and done. It seems that many are missing this component, and a major part of it seems to be the lack of conversation around pleasure and what people do and don’t like in the bedroom.
One way that I encourage my clients to try and communicate about their likes/dislikes is through red, yellow, and green lights. This can be an awkward conversation to bring up initially, but it can be so helpful in the long run for making sex better for both you and your partner. Some ways to bring it up that can be less awkward are saying things like, “I really enjoy the sex we’re having, but I want to make it even better for you if I can… what are some red, yellow, and green lights for you? I can even share mine first if you want!” or “I really want to pleasure you even more… what are some activities that really turn you on or things you’ve always wanted to try?” Bringing up the conversation in a way that makes it sound fun and exciting (rather than coming from a “here’s what you’re doing wrong” perspective) can make both partners open up more easily and can turn it into an exciting conversation.
When I say “red, yellow, and green lights,” what do I mean? Red lights are anything sexual that are a firm and hard no - something you know you don't like and aren't interested in trying. Yellow lights are neutral - they're activities/actions that you'd be open to trying or experimenting with, and seeing where they fall. Green lights are a resounding, “YES PLEASE!” These are activities/actions you enjoy and would love to incorporate in some or all of your lovemaking sessions. I let my couples know that if anything is a red light, you need to respect that boundary, knowing that if you continue to push it, the walls of trust will start to crumble. But if one of you has a yellow light and for the other it’s a green, or even if you both have a yellow light, go have some fun and experiment a little! And if you need to drum up some ideas for sexual activities, go to your local sex shop and peruse some of the books (“The Guide to Getting It On” by Dr. Paul Joannides is a great resource as well).
Even if you’ve been together for a while and you think you know your partner’s reds, yellows, and greens, this is a great conversation to revisit from time to time, as preferences can change. Sometimes something that was red can over time shift to a yellow or something that was once green might not be as exciting anymore. Talking with each other about these is a great way to keep sex different and playful while continuing to ensure that you’re prioritizing both your partner’s pleasure and your own (rather than doing what we think someone might be enjoying because our last parter liked it, or we saw it in porn/mainstream media, or they’ve liked it in the past, etc.). And check out part 2 later where I discuss how to implement these reds, yellows, and greens once you’ve discovered what they are for each other!
