It’s Okay to Not Want Sex—Here’s How to Connect Intimately

If you’ve been feeling less interested in sex lately, you’re not alone—and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Sexual desire is fluid, influenced by everything from hormonal shifts to relationship dynamics to external stressors. And right now? Life is stressful. The ongoing uncertainty in the world, political tensions, financial concerns, and the daily pressures of just existing can weigh heavily on our nervous systems, making intimacy feel like the last thing on our minds.

But here’s the good news: Not wanting sex right now doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your relationship, your attraction to your partner, or even your sexuality. It means you’re human. Instead of forcing desire, it can be helpful to understand why stress impacts people’s libidos differently—and explore other ways to nurture intimacy that don’t rely on sex alone.

How Stress Impacts Sexual Desire: The Neuroscience Behind It

When we experience stress, our bodies release cortisol, the primary hormone involved in the fight-or-flight response. Cortisol is great for handling immediate threats—like running from danger or responding to a crisis—but when stress becomes chronic, it can disrupt many of our body’s normal functions, including sexual desire.

Interestingly, stress doesn’t impact everyone’s libido in the same way. Some people find that stress heightens their sexual desire, while others find that it completely shuts them down. This is largely tied to how our brains process stress and seek connection.

The Two Responses to Stress: Why Some People Want More Sex and Others Want Less

1. Stress-Increased Desire

For some, stress activates the brain’s need for closeness and connection. In high-stress situations, sexual activity can serve as a coping mechanism to soothe anxiety, regulate emotions, and reinforce a sense of security in relationships. Research indicates that in times of high stress, some individuals actually experience increased sexual motivation as a way to foster connection and alleviate tension. This makes sense given that when we have sex, dopamine gets released, which makes us feel good and oxytocin gets released, which helps us feel a bond with others - if we're feeling bad, we want something to make us feel better and feel more connected to our loved ones.

2. Stress-Decreased Desire

On the other hand, many people find that stress makes sexual desire nearly impossible to access. Chronic stress can suppress the release of hormones like oxytocin and dopamine—both of which play key roles in arousal and pleasure—while keeping the body in a heightened state of alert. This means that even if you intellectually want to engage in intimacy, your body might not be on the same page. If oxytocin and dopamine are difficult to access during times of high stress, it's going to be difficult to start up desire - making it a lot harder to get interested in sex.

One study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that individuals who experience high levels of stress often report lower sexual desire, particularly those who feel overwhelmed by external pressures or lack emotional bandwidth to engage intimately. This isn’t a choice—it’s a biological response meant to prioritize survival.

The Role of the Current Political Climate in Suppressing Desire

In addition to normal life stressors, the world itself feels particularly heavy right now.

Political uncertainty, debates over bodily autonomy, LGBTQ+ rights, reproductive rights, climate anxiety, economic stress—the list goes on. Even if you don’t consume the news regularly, these cultural and political tensions seep into everyday life, creating a background hum of stress that’s difficult to ignore.

It’s no wonder that many people are feeling more exhausted than aroused. When our nervous systems are overloaded with external stress, our ability to engage in pleasure and desire often takes a backseat. Research has even shown that people living in politically unstable or economically challenging times often report lower levels of overall well-being, including in their sexual relationships.

So if you’ve noticed a dip in your libido, it’s not just in your head—it’s a reflection of how deeply interconnected external stressors are with our personal experiences of intimacy.

Other Ways to Explore Sex and Intimacy (Without Pressure)

If sex doesn’t feel accessible right now, that doesn’t mean intimacy has to disappear. There are plenty of ways to foster connection that don’t rely on goal-oriented sex, and sometimes, shifting the focus away from expectation can actually make room for more organic desire to return.

Here are a few ideas:

1. Sensory Touch and Non-Sexual Affection

• Cuddling, massages, hand-holding, or even resting your head on your partner’s lap while watching TV can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, helping the body shift into a calmer, more receptive state.

• Research has shown that physical touch (even when non-sexual) releases oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” which can foster intimacy without requiring sexual energy. A twenty second hug or a six second kiss releases this hormone and helps bridge connection.

2. Deep Emotional Intimacy

• Stress often leads to disconnection, making it harder for partners to see each other beyond the day-to-day routine.
• Having intentional, uninterrupted conversations about hopes, fears, and desires (without problem-solving) can strengthen the emotional bond that fuels long-term intimacy.
• Try conversation prompts like:‍
• What’s something you’ve been thinking about a lot lately?
• What’s something small that I do that makes you feel loved?
• What’s a memory of us that makes you smile?

3. Erotic Exploration Without Expectation

• If you’re open to it, engaging with erotica, sensual massage, or guided mindfulness exercises about pleasure can offer a way to stay connected to your sexuality without feeling pressured to perform.

• Solo pleasure can also be a way to explore desire at your own pace, with no expectations of reciprocity.

4. Playfulness and Lightness

• Playfulness is often overlooked in long-term relationships, but laughter and lightheartedness can be powerful ways to rekindle intimacy.

• Try engaging in activities that bring you joy together—cooking, dancing, trying a new hobby, or even sharing ridiculous memes. Sometimes, intimacy starts with simply having fun together.

Reframing What “Sexual Connection” Means

One of the biggest barriers to intimacy during stressful times is the pressure people place on themselves to be “in the mood” or to perform in ways they think they should. But intimacy isn’t just about sex—it’s about connection.

Us sex therapists like to say that sex isn't the need, it's the strategy to meet the need. Reframing intimacy as something that exists beyond intercourse can help reduce stress around sex and create space for a more natural return to desire when the time is right. Identifying what the underlying "need" is (connection, closeness, lightheartedness, etc.) can help you both identify other activities to meet that need.

What to Do If This Feels Like a Pattern

If you’re finding that stress has been suppressing your libido for an extended period, it may be helpful to check in with yourself (and your partner) about what you need. Some questions to consider:

• Am I getting enough rest and emotional support?

• Are there unresolved stressors in my relationship that I need to talk about?

• Would it help to schedule intentional time for intimacy, even if it doesn’t lead to sex?

• Do I need support from a therapist or coach to navigate this period?

Sometimes, just acknowledging the stress without forcing change is enough to help ease the pressure and open the door to deeper intimacy—whether that includes sex or not.

The Bottom Line

Your worth is not measured by how often you want or have sex.

Desire ebbs and flows, and it’s okay to be in a season where sex doesn’t feel like a priority. Rather than seeing it as a problem to be solved, consider reframing it as an opportunity to explore other forms of connection and pleasure.

Sexuality is not just about what you do—it’s about how you feel in your body and your relationships. And no matter where you are on that spectrum right now, you are still whole, still lovable, and still deeply deserving of connection.

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Resources: 

• Bradford, A., & Meston, C. M. (2006). The impact of anxiety on sexual arousal in women. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(8), 1067–1077.
• Hamilton, L. D., Rellini, A. H., & Meston, C. M. (2008). Chronic stress and sexual function in women. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 5(10), 2431–2440.
• Photo by Andrea Piacquadio‍