March 8, 2022

Scheduling vs. Spontaneous Sex

Do you struggle with finding time for sex? Does your partner want to schedule sex but you think that takes the fun out of it? Do you wish that you could have a sex calendar just to make sure sex happens? 

You’re not alone.

Plenty of folx struggle to find the balance between scheduling sex versus allowing it to be spontaneous. While I’m all for spontaneous sex, I’m here to tell you that sometimes scheduling can be pretty helpful or your relationship. To begin, we schedule everything in life that’s important, from doctors appointments, date nights (think reservations), doggy playdates, kid playdates, meetings for work… the list goes on. So why would we not make sure to schedule sex so that it continues to maintain a priority in our lives? 

A paper monthly planner
Photo by Eric Rothermel on Unsplash

When you and your partner(s) make the time to schedule sex, you can both plan/prepare/warm up so that by the time you get ready to engage, you’re feeling really ready. If you knew you were going to have sex at 4:30 the next day, you might shower, shave, put on sexy underwear or a hot outfit, knowing your partner is going to see you in it later. It starts putting sex on your brain. You might also choose to read an erotic short story, listen to a podcast about sex, find a blog about a new sexual skill - something that helps prep you for the afternoon and continues to put sex on the brain. You might also start sending your partner tantalizing texts all about what you’re fantasizing about doing that afternoon to get you both warmed up, which also puts sex on their brain. If you’re starting to catch the trend, the benefit of scheduling is that it gives you both more space and time to put sex on your minds earlier in the day so you’re feeling even more receptive to sex when it comes time to happen.

This might also give you an opportunity to schedule an enjoyable event ahead of the sex itself to continue to increase receptivity (because really, sex starts well before the bedroom). For example, you may schedule a sitter to have the kids gone for a few hours or plan to take the dogs to doggy daycare so you have a home free from distractions to truly enjoy the present moment. You might plan a meal that you know won’t be too heavy so that you’re not feeling stuffed and tired before sex. You may even plan a delightful feast to enjoy afterwards instead! You may also choose to get a fun sex game or find a steamy movie to enjoy before you get things going. The point is, when we make plans for an activity, the pleasure center of our brains starts to go off by simply fantasizing about what’s to come. Planning brings pleasure!

A living room with a vibrator, bluetooth speaker, and vase with roses on the coffee table
Photo by Lovense Toys on Unsplash

Now I won’t take all of the spontaneity from you. During your planned time, there are so many ways to introduce spontaneity. One of you might be in charge of bringing in the blindfold/lingerie, creating a sex music playlist, bringing in a new sex toy/lube/position. You might each be in charge of bringing a new element to the erotic session so you’re both bringing in an element of surprise. You can still be spontaneous within a planned window of time. But by planning sex, you each get time to prepare and be more available to one another to enjoy the moment. Rather than a quick 10 minutes to “get it over and done with so I can get back to the laundry,” you can schedule 30, 60, 90, however many minutes to be dedicated to exploring sensuality and enjoying each other’s bodies.

So next time you think about getting your sex on, consider the benefits of planning and how you can incorporate spontaneity into it. 

Profile image of the author.

Julie Labanz, MA, LPCC-S, CST

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