Open Relating - What is it?

Published on
February 5, 2021

There are many different ways for relationships to play out - traditional, non-traditional, and a plethora of ways in between (because what’s traditional really, except a cultural manifestation of current expectations?). There are quite a few folx out there who realize that traditional monogamy isn’t quite what they’re looking for - whether in their current phase of life, or as an orientation. So if a person doesn’t identify as monogamous, how do they identify?

Photo by Yoav Hornung on Unsplash
Photo by Yoav Hornung on Unsplash

In its most basic form, most folx who don’t identify as monogamous will typically identify as consensual non-monogamous (CNM) or ethically non-monogamous. This can be an umbrella term for a variety of forms of open relating, including polyamorous, swinger, “being open,” only exploring threesomes, etc. “Why would anyone want to do this?” you might ask. While there are variety of theories ranging from the notion that humans are biologically non-monogamous (exampled by relationships throughout history and the biological need to “spread one’s seed.”), to folx craving variety, to feeling like love shouldn’t be confined to simply one person, etc. I personally think Esther Perel puts it nicely in her book, “The State of Affairs,” where she highlights how as humans, we crave both security and comfort but also mystery and passion and that at times, we struggle to find that balance.

While some people may enjoy finding comfort, mystery, security, and passion all in one relationship, others don’t like the pressure that that brings to a relationship, or simply don’t want that for themselves and feel that a multitude of people can fill one’s cup and meet one’s needs. Now again, this presents differently for a wide variety of folx. Some people want a “primary” relationship in which most of their emotional and physical needs are met (i.e. a spouse) but may also want to explore sexual relationships outside of this relationship to fulfill the desire for sexual variety, the enjoyment of pleasing others, for exploring one’s sexuality, etc. They would consider themselves in an open marriage or open relationship. “It’s just about sex,” as they say, which basically means they intend to only have sex with other people without any sort of strong emotional connection/“no strings attached,” if you will. Other folx want to be able to enjoy both the emotional and sexual intimacy that comes with romantic relationships but with multiple people (i.e. having multiple partners), which we would classify as polyamory (“multiple loves”). Within polyamory, some people prefer to have hierarchy, i.e. have a primary relationship such as a spouse, and a secondary relationship such as a boyfriend/girlfriend, and potentially even have tertiary relationships, such as friends with benefits. Others prefer to have multiple primaries or simply to be non-hierarchical, such that love and time are spread and shared equally.
There are also those that are in open relationships that engage in swinging, which is where both partners swap with another couple for the evening (more details on this in a later blog) or couples that simply want to include one additional person in their sex life and hence, pursue threesomes.


While this is a very basic overview of open relating and doesn’t by any means cover all of the ways that relationships can be set up outside of the structure of monogamy, I think it’s important for people to educate themselves on relationship types outside of the norm. Many people find joy and happiness, whether for a season or for life, by exploring consensual non-monogamy. Those in these relationships often grow greatly in their communication skills and ability to emotion regulate (particularly around jealousy) because they are skills necessary to maintain the ethical portion of CNM. It’s not considered cheating when both people are in agreement and set boundaries that they both agree upon to help them feel secure and comfortable in their relationship. Many folks in CNM have some form of a contract or agreement that establishes the various considerations they would like to bear in mind to make sure the relationship is strong. And keep in mind, many of these relationships last the long haul, involving children and a strong community of loves who support one another in their lifestyle choice. As CNM has started to become more outwardly recognized, more research is being conducted around these types of relationships to see how they are both similar and different to those of monogamous ones.

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash
Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

If you’re interested in exploring the lifestyle, there are a variety of ways to go about doing so. Joining a MeetUp group, Facebook group, talking to a specialist or therapist about the lifestyle, visiting a swinger’s club (when COVID isn’t an issue), joining a dating app that encourages open relating, etc. are all avenues to get yourself started. There are also a lot of great books about open relating, Polysecure by Jessica Fern being the latest book to be supported by those in the lifestyle as a means of helping people to better understand why one may choose CNM over monogamy. Regardless of if you’re interested in the lifestyle or not, take some time to learn about yourself. Challenge yourself and know why you choose monogamy (if that’s how you identify) or, learn more about CNM and discover a part of yourself you never knew existed. Happy learning!

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