Self-Pleasure: Why It's Okay to Play
America definitely gives self-pleasure a bad rap as being something “dirty,” “bad,” “something only boys do,” “only done when you’re single and desperate,” etc. However, there are actually several benefits that self-pleasure (masturbation, self-stimulation, solo time, etc.) can provide.
First thing first, plenty of research boasts the benefits of masturbation such as reduced stress, improved mood, better sleep, relaxation, alleviation of period cramps, and more. This is great because it’s a means of self-care that is also good for your whole body! Contrary to what some people have heard, your “knob” won’t fall off if you use it too much. You might just find yourself relaxed and with a slightly increased immune system!
In addition to that, self-pleasure can help improve your sex life. How? If your partner wants to know how best to pleasure you, who’s the best person to ask than you? By knowing and understanding your body - the “hot spots,” the neutral spots, and the “woah, no thank you!” areas - you can effectively and clearly communicate with your partner what works well for you. While it can be fun to allow your partner to explore and experiment with your body, most people like to have a basic sense of what their partner finds enjoyable. Oftentimes people just mimic what their previous partners in the past seemed to enjoy because that’s all that they know. However, everyone’s body is different, so just because one guy likes having his balls caressed during a blow job while standing up, doesn’t mean the next one will or just because one woman likes having her clitoris lightly stimulated in a counterclockwise position while laying on her back right after a bubble bath, doesn’t’ mean the next one will (see how complex it can be??).
But what if you’ve received a lot of negative messages around self-pleasure and are now afraid to explore yourself? Take your time and get to know your body. Your genitals are not bad, ugly, “no no” places. They are just as much a part of your body as any other part, and they should be celebrated and appreciated just like any other part of your body. So grab a mirror and explore down there! Notice parts that you can appreciate and be able to label the different parts of your vulva or penis. Notice the colors and shapes. Appreciate them. There is nothing wrong with getting to know your body. And once you get comfortable with labeling the different parts of your genitals and are appreciating them, explore what areas feel sensitive/good to the touch. Play around with pressure and speed. Massage your genitals - don’t just dive into the hot zones. The more you’re able to experience what different components of touch feel best to you, the easier it’ll be to communicate with your partner what you do/don’t enjoy. And if at some point you’d like to incorporate a toy into your solo play, by all means, go for it! One thing to note: if self-stimulation does not align with your values, that’s okay. Allow your partner to explore your genitals and explore with you what areas seem to feel good to touch than others. Look at and label each others’ parts together. This can still help improve sex for you.
Some people fear that masturbation means that they aren’t “good enough” for their partner. However, much like you go get a massage to relax or lift weights to strengthen a muscle, it’s healthy to self-stimulate to improve your sex, strengthen your pelvic floor muscles (which will also make sex better) as well as to be able to relax and appreciate your body. If you want your partner to be healthy in all aspects of life, sex should be no exception, so think of self-stimulation as a workout before the big marathon. Your partner is learning to appreciate their own body to help make sex better for the two of you (and sometimes they might be a little selfish and are looking for some stress relief - we have to find balance!).
Additionally, some people fear that a person will get addicted to masturbation. Typically, this isn’t the case, though sometimes it can be hard to discern when it’s a problem, since different people have different drives (i.e. someone might have no problems with masturbating once a month, someone else might enjoy doing it three times a day). Be mindful of how often you’re turning to it and in what contexts to make sure it’s not causing problems for you (i.e. are you doing it for so long you’re starting to hurt yourself? Are you doing it at work to alleviate stress, which could get you fired? Are you engaging in that to avoid sex/connection with your partner? etc.). Any behavior/activity, even one intended for good, can get overused/out of control (we all binge a little too much on Netflix now and again). Therefore, just pay mind to your intentions behind the choice to masturbate and see if it aligns with your own values.
Overall, while self-stimulation has had a bad reputation for a long time, it’s time to get rid of that reputation and start normalizing and embracing it for what it is. Men and women alike self-stimulate - it’s not something men statistically do way more than women. Everyone needs a little healthy release now and then, and the benefits are good! So go take some time to enjoy and celebrate your body this week either on your own or with your partner.
